No Deals, Mr. Bond (1987)

An ambitious honeypot operation against the Soviets has gone off the rails, and now the KGB are out for revenge. Before the Ruskies can eradicate the entire list of young assets, Agent 007 is sent into the field by M to locate and rescue as many of the survivors as he can. An exploding pen, Irish castles, turncoats galore, animal abuse (maybe?), and Bond with only a half-loaded Luger in a "The Most Dangerous Game" finale! Da-da-DA-DA! 

Okay, let's get it out of the way right now. The title of this novel: No Deals, Mr. Bond. It's not great. A lot of fans are going to say it's easily the worst title in the history of Bond media, and it's difficult to argue that point. Personally, I have come to appreciate the title No Deals, Mr. Bond in an ironic 'so-bad-it's-good' kind of way, but even then it's a tough sell. In defense of author John Gardner, he hated No Deals, Mr. Bond as a title but was kinda-sorta strongarmed into going with it at the behest of the publishers, who also suggested the equally terrible 'Oh No, Mr. Bond!' and 'Bond Fights Back' as alternate titles. What were these idiots at the publishing house smoking at the time? The only thing I will say in favor of No Deals, Mr. Bond as a title is because it's so odd and cringey, it at least stands out when you're looking at all the Gardner books on a shelf. It's certainly more remarkable than one we'll get to a couple of reviews from now (the utterly generic titled Win, Lose, or Die - blah!).

Anyway, No Deals, Mr. Bond has a lowly reputation among certain literary Bond fans and is often derided as the beginning of John Gardner phoning in stories, recycling plots, and over-utilizing the concept of double or triple agents carrying out last minute betrayals at the behest of their true masters. I can't deny Gardner certainly loved his double agents, but it's not as if the idea of double-crosses is entirely alien to the genre of spy fiction. Gardner also played this hand many times over in his third Bond novel Icebreaker, which I found to be beyond tedious, but here in No Deals, Mr. Bond, I don't find the trope too bothersome. Perhaps it's because Bond dispatches the characters who turn out to be villainous double-crossers in short order, thus they don't have a chance to wear out their welcome once it becomes apparent they're baddies.

There's a slightly understated thread in this novel of M becoming more fatherly towards Bond, which we see hinted at on occasion in both the book series and the films. It comes to Bond's attention after speaking with a fellow British agent in the field that the mission to save the young ladies (and gent) who were involved in the honeypot is less an official mission from Queen and country and more of a personal request from M, as the brewing scandal of a botched honeypot potentially becoming public knowledge is threatening to take M's job as the head of British intelligence and the only agent he felt he could rely on for such a personal, off-the-books task is Bond. And despite the mortal peril this ultimately puts him in, Bond is more than willing to go through with the operation to help M because that's just what bros do, right? While the reader isn't battered over the head with this theme, it's kind of sweet to see how deep both character's loyalty goes for one another.

I wouldn't say this novel is anything near outstanding, but I had a pleasant enough time reading it. From the extremely filmic opening chapter which could have easily been a Roger Moore era pre-title sequence to the setting bouncing around from the streets of London to the Republic of Ireland to Hong Kong (with a one chapter diversion in Paris), I found it easy to lose myself in the brain candy of No Deals, Mr. Bond. The ending in particular, which see Bond stuck on a small island off the coast of Hong Kong, completely outnumbered by a group of bloodthirsty hooligans, and with only four bullets to his name is some truly priceless pulp action that kept me turning pages until the very end.

Don't be deceived by the stupid title, No Deals, Mr. Bond is another worthwhile John Gardner 007 novel. Recommended.

Doctor Who: Dragonfire (1989)

The Doctor and Mel arrive in the space trading colony known as Iceworld in search of adventure. There they discover the intergalactic rogue Sabalom Glitz, a dodgy stolen treasure map, and tales of a dragon's horde hidden deep in the ice caverns below. Oh, and a precocious teenager with a fondness for explosives named Ace. The only thing standing in their way is a banished ice vampire by the name of Kane who just so happens to also desire the treasure. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll have a face melting good time. It's Dragonfire!

My continuing journey with Target Books' novelizations of Doctor Who stories continues with Dragonfire by Ian Briggs. I'd heard good things about this one (namely the author expanding some sections that were cut from the screenplay he wrote) and it's a television story I find to be fairly decent, but ultimately this one was as by-the-numbers and run of the mill as you can get with the old Target collection. Competently written, but extremely workmanlike throughout most of the pages.

The story is sort-of The Maltese Falcon in a bunch of caves beneath a shopping mall in space. It's also the late 80's in the midst of Thatcherism when this was written, so I'm sure there's supposed to be some standard Britbong angst over the 'evils of capitalism' or some such doggerel worked into the background of Iceworld, but it never truly feels like a fully baked idea. For the most part, Dragonfire is standard Doctor Who running through corridors kind of stuff. There is quite a... not necessarily a plot hole, but a staggering logic gap when it concerns the villain Kane and his ongoing exile on Iceworld. He apparently has great power even in his banishment, yet chooses to become what is essentially the hermetical landlord of the trading post for what seems hundreds of years. And of all the probable competent types to land in Iceworld over the many years, Kane chooses the halfwit Sabalom Glitz to try and use as a patsy to get the coveted dragon's treasure for him. There's some strange plotting and character decisions going on here, as if the story was rushed out the door to meet a deadline.

Dragonfire is also notable for being the introduction of Ace, played by Sophie Aldred in the television series. The Seventh Doctor and Ace are probably my favorite pairing on-screen, so I have no complaints about the character appearing here for the first time. Her introduction is obviously an allusion to The Wizard of Oz with how she is a seemingly normal girl whisked away from her bedroom to a strange new world. Many stories and one hell of a character arc later, we discover the reason for the time storm that brings Ace to Iceworld in the first place and how her meeting with the Doctor was fated to happen. But that turn of events is thanks to then-script editor Andrew Cartmel. It's telling that the best part of this particular novel is the Doctor's farewell scene with Mel, which was dialogue originally written by Andrew Cartmel and not Ian Briggs. It's elegance stands out noticeably amid the standard dogsbody prose:

That's right, yes, you're going. Been gone for ages. Already gone, still here, just arrived, haven't even met you yet. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time.

I will concede that the expanded areas of the story by Ian Briggs are at least somewhat interesting. The notorious cliffhanger at the end of part one where the Doctor is hanging by his umbrella from the edge of an ice chasm now at least makes a modicum of sense. And there's some brief but powerful character development for a couple of redshirts in Kane's crew. You'll also never feel so sad about a child losing a teddy bear as you will in this novel.

One original idea by Ian Briggs that was dropped from the television adaption because of sensitivity issues is the idea that Ace and Glitz had a relationship of some description before the Doctor and Mel arrive. I'm guessing it was axed because Ace is supposed to be a teenager and Glitz is a hairy forty-something dude. There's just a hint of the idea still in this novelization though, as Glitz "knows the way to Ace's room". Scandalous!

Ultimately, Dragonfire is not a terrible read, but it's certainly one for the top-tier superfans of Doctor Who only.

Star Trek: Bloodthirst (1987)

Captain's Log, supplemental. A distress call from the outpost Tanis has put on hold any chance of me bedding down another alien babe. Now, the only survivor of a hot lab catastrophe is loose aboard the Enterprise, and some of the crew think the man is a... blood sucking vampire of old Earth mythology. Naturally, Mr. Spock believes this theory to be most illogical. But some of our crew are now displaying signs of... vampirism. The only cure may be to record another half dozen Priceline commercials and hope for the best. Kirk out.

I usually have mixed feelings about Star Trek trying its hand at the horror genre. None of the horror-themed episodes from the original series right up until the Star Trek series concluded with Enterprise would make a 'best-of' list for me. I concede there's more than enough room for a horror element to be explored in the Trek universe, but the way the series would usually approach it always came across as a television show trying too hard to do something it's not normally equipped for. That, and the horror episodes usually became fairly one-note in a hurry. How many dreary 'nightmare' episodes of The Next Generation did we endure through anyway? The few times horror did work in Star Trek was usually more of the psychological variety and it very often involved Chief O'Brien being made to suffer in various sadistic ways in the dreaming world to further amplify the true horror of being married to series villain Keiko O'Brien in the real world. But I digress...

Bloodthirst is a Star Trek novel set in the original series timeline that takes that spooky Spirit of Halloween set from the episode "Catspaw" and turns it up a notch. It is, more or less, a version of Dracula in space. And the entire novel builds itself up to one shining moment when our erstwhile Russian navigator Pavel Chekov gets to say the word... "wampires". No, I'm not kidding. Yes, it's as awesome as you think it is.

The author of Bloodthirst wrote a number of Trek novels between the mid 80's into the early 2000's, including several of the film novelizations. J.M. Dillard is the Star Trek pen name of one Jeanne Kalogridis, who unsurprisingly went on to write a series of vampire novels in the 90's. Bloodthirst is clearly something of a love letter to Dracula and a plethora of other vampire related fiction, although the main antagonist is not a traditional vampire. Dillard cleverly spruces the story up with a sci-fi aspect, fashioning the villain's bloodthirsty state as the result of an illegally developed bioweapon from a backwater Federation outpost. There are other villains for Kirk and the crew to contend with besides the would-be Nosferatu, including a rogue admiral and an eleventh hour visit from the Romulans.

Because there's only so much that can be done with the series regulars, Dillard introduces several of her own original characters to the crew of the Enterprise. The original characters are mostly red shirts in the security team, but surprisingly none of them feel like throwaway characters. We have Stanger, a former lieutenant demoted down to the lowest ranks because of a rather foolish decision to take the blame for a crime he didn't commit. Tomson, the stern-faced viking woman who has become the ship's chief of security. Lamia, an Andorian ensign who is one of the few blue-skinned women in proximity to Kirk that hasn't boned with him yet. And Lisa Nguyen, the sensitive one who is wrestling with the idea of leaving the Federation for life on a ranch in the middle of nowhere. There's also a kooky admiral named Waverleigh who is apparently old friends with Kirk, drinks heavily, and talks to taxidermic animals. There's one exchange this character has with Kirk where the captain concludes the conversation by saying: "Admiral, you are weird." which had me rolling because it's such a bizarre line but I can also hear Shatner delivering that line with the usual ham.

Of the regulars, while Kirk and Spock have some moments, because the story doubles as a medical mystery, Bloodthirst is undoubtedly a McCoy episode. Good ol' Bones gets plenty of screen time in this novel while he struggles to understand the bio-engineered virus and plays human chess with the vampiric virus creator Dr. Fauci Adams. Nurse Chapel is also featured prominently in the story, but I won't spoil her role for anyone interested in tracking this novel down in the future.

I had some fun with this one. The writing keeps a fairly brisk pace and there were a few genuinely squeamish moments if you're really into the horror aspects, but the novel manages to course-correct back to traditional sci-fi as the climax draws closer. Recommended.